For as Long as i shall Live...

looking back

2005-01-17T05:41:00.000-08:00

har har... this is waht i read as i was lookin thru my old blogs... a few months back as i was ranting about MEET i said this:

dun believe then just dun let me into the programme lo. god chose me. he'll take care of me and teach me to grow. he chose ME.

and boy did he keep his promise.. over and above what i expected even... scary how i must be carefl what i ask for ahaha. anyway. heres what he did for me: thru alot of pain, tears and suffering he

1) gave me a greater knowledge, love and desire for him
2) answered and is answering my old prayers about how i can keep him im my mind all day, glorifying and worshipping him all day
3) gave me the gift of tongues (man.... that was an incredible expereince considerin how much i needed him back then)

and i guess to whomever is readin my blog, this gets repititive: GOD IS AN AMAZING GOD!!! I LOVE HIM!

really man, to whomever is readin htis.. i challenge you, in faith, just pray for God to reveal himself to you, totally take over your life, totally take control. i believe he will be faithful. enjoy the (fantastic, but qite scary and painful maybe) ride!!!

gift of tongues

2004-11-27T04:59:00.000-08:00

apparently it can be learnt??? i have no idea.. hmm mebbe ask pastor tomorrow..... but i want it!!!!! waaaaa

trials

2004-11-26T03:12:00.000-08:00

God is a good God. God is a gracious God. I read Romans 1: 21-22 it says ‘ for although they knew God, they neither Glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts became darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools’. Ok so this passage totally reminded me of what I was like in the sec 2- J2 period… like other than the normal stupidity exhibited by most self absorbed teens…really the passage was totally what I was… and it was all God’s grace that rescued me out of that PIT that I was in…

And recently he’s been teaching me to give thanks and worship him all the time… at least I thinlk that’s what he’s saying—going thru it now la, so not quite sure… but it’s what I’ve been getting la… and it’s true. God is faithful. And ALL that I have is a gift: my health, each day that I very much take for granted and onluy think of God in my 1 hr QT time…. I mean malays pray 5 times a day ok…can I do less than that? Actually I do do less then that.. much less… but I’ve made a resolution to pray thrice a day: morning noon and night… (this is excluding meal times hor).

And I think back on how God has been so loving and faithful to me… and still sometimes my heart doubts his power… it’s not that my head doubts. My head KNOWS that God id God and that God can save me, loves me etc etc… but my heart… I know God is a Good God but sometimes despite all that, my heart still feels depressed….but I guess that’s what trials and learning are for. Trials + bad shit happening à me weak = God and show his glory/love/faithfulness/grace to me!

And its true… tho I’ve slept badly for the past four nights or so (especially Tuesday night) but yesterday I trusted God to give me good sleep—I saw it as not something he owed me, but something that, if he chose to give, is a blessing! And today, I woke up and like around twelve felt a bit funky (weird head pain) but prayed and entrusted the day to God (I forgot to pray properly when I first woke up) and since then the day has been great even tho I u ually feel funky at night, but really I don’t today (like much less so that I’m actually feelin ok la—does that make sense?...hmmm)

But its still scary cos each night, each day, each time I pray—its an adventure (that is, I have no idea how things will turn out). But God’s peace is with me. And I know he is with me. And I know that he loves me and wants the best for me… and to that I cling to. And since God is worthy of trust (his track record in my life has been REALLY good so far—when I look back I really see his faithfulness) I don’t see why I should let go. Plus really I can’t, cos if I do then life as I know it is over—what is the point in living?…. Jesus makes my life meaningful.

never give up!!!

2004-11-10T18:18:00.000-08:00

Wow. I’ve quite a funky lot of things to blog…
Actually for the past few weeks even tho I’m feelin much okay already, but I still have this fear that I’d get sick again… I remember the feelin la. And I hate the loneliness. Plus this time around when I was going thru the bad period, I felt really alone at first.. like even QT didn’t really help much la… mebbe cos I;m too focused on myself? I dunno la. But the result is that I’ve, since then (even tho I;m already feeling much better), had this tendency to get depressed especially at night.. yeah.

Anyhow, I was just praying thru and all, praying for myself and why I felt so shitty, and then I was prayin for my family, friends, Sunday school… then I stopped cos I thot that I would give God a chance to speak la… (like dunno y also, usually I just move along to reading the bible). Then the TV outside was so loud and annoying that I plugged up my ears. So there I was kneelin on the floor with my fingers in my ears and my forehead on the ground (like a tripod ahaha.) wasn’t really expectin anything la…before I tried but never got anything clear la.… just wanted to like reach out and rest in him. so anyway, I got a crick in my neck and had to raise up a bit aha. Then this thought entered my head ‘My Peace I give to you’… and I was like… okay. Did I just think that myself? And I thought about whether it was me talking to my self… then I realized that NO it wasn’t.. then I started blubbering…. Hahaha so malu. And my hair got all tangled…and dusty… but really this thought me 2 things: (1) God is with me and he knows what I’m going thru now, and I must trust him. (2) never give up!!!! Seek him and u will find!!!!!

Hurra. Well things r bcoming clearer… but only a bit.. still hazy la but I know that when I look back 6 months down the row, I will find that God would have been UTTERLY faithful. He always is…. Its just that the 40 days get a bit tough… hai.

ooh i just checked the concordance.. this is the full verse... TOTALLY relevant to my situation.. God is good (i nearly cried when i read this)

27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

John 14:27

long long time away...but GOD IS GOOD.

2004-10-27T02:45:00.000-07:00

hai..haven blogged fur so long.... and really nuthin muh la...
actually got alot to sae but it would all just be whining and i dun wanna do that..

past week was crapski--got sick and felt REALLY out of it..its an utterly shitty feeling--its like you're utterly alone, nd really no one understands...

however, thank god for my mom... dunno la. its like she really really loves me...and like sonehow... dunnno la, dunno how to say...

actually didn't wanna tell her that i felt sick and all, cos i thot that she would just scold me, smthiing i REALLY didnt need at that time.. then last sat night i shared with her (cos i told grace from cell, and grace told my dad and my dad told my mom--hahaha), and we prayed tog... and suddenly everythin was just much much better... dunno y also...

cos previously i did share with like three other pple, all of whom prayded for me-- but i didn;'t feel better at all....thank God for mom....i love her like heck. then on sunday she got me these weirrd food supplements (like drugs like that aha) and i felt thankful and blessed all over again...

i realize that the pple i pray the least for is my family-- i take them for granted but thats stopped. good.

and i still dun really know y god allowed this to happen.. but spiritual life wise, yeah definitely refreshed... i must be the hard love type...

dunno la. this episode def taught me not 2 take things for granted-- my family, my health, my service (ability to serve at all) and especially God...

i have been redeemed by his blood from death in sin to life in Christ. i have been gifted by his grace, a gift of health, and peace and joy... so really, what of myself that actually belongs to me remains?

nada.

a life of holiness, a life serving him is not too small a price i can choose to pay...

its not even a price i CAN choose to pay.

i own nothing of myself.

so now is the time i start to learn to surrender to him what is his by rights... God help me.

wow. God is tech savvy man...

2004-09-23T07:31:00.000-07:00

smthing really kool happened just now. i was tryin to turn on my laptom when dunno why this weird black screen came up with a small blinking dash on the top left corner... so i was worried and tried to press the keyboard.. nothing happened.

so i pressed the turn off/on button... then this weird sound like 'beep beep' came on.. and i was like 'OH SHIT'

so the comp turned off then i turned it on again by pressing the turn off/on button. and the screen returned to the black thing with the small flashing dash and i was like 'ohshitohshitohshit..'

then i started pressing all the keyboard keys and for every press, the comp went 'BEEEP'. so it was like 'BEEEP' 'oh shit!!' BEEP oh shit BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP 'shiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!'. then i gave up and pressed the on/off button then went crying to my dad that the comp is screwed up. and he was unhlepful--doin his own work laa...

so i went back to my comp and prayed.. i actually layed hands on the damn thing. i told God ' okay. show me your glory. i really need the comp to work all my notes are in it. pleasepleaseplease. and i have faith cos i know that my comp working can't possibly be like against your will, i mean come on!!! so yeah at the risk of furthur messing up my comp , as an act of faith i'll turn it on again so let it work!!!'

so i pressed on. and it booted perfectly.... and i was a bit like-- WOW OOOKAY.

yeah man. like this could be an alterntive name of god-- god the provider, god the healer, god the computer engineer... see? fits right in!

haha. but seriously.. God is great...

i know i don't love him enuff, or even take him seriously enuff...

what he deserves it this: me walking around daily in a haze of love and worship towards him. me memorizing the whole bible ( right now i dun even memorize indiviual verses). me waking up 2 hours earlier so that i can spend time with him before going to school....

been readin this testimony book of a pastor of an underground church in china-- man he goes in and out of prison like it's a resort...

but i read it, and i cried... cos really, if i ever thought that God was real to me, if i ever thought that i'm a pretty good christian, if i ever thought that i take him quite seriously (i dun even claim to take him VERY seriously all the time)--- really? its all NUTS.

like ALL OF HOW I'VE EVER VALUED HIM IS PEANUTS!!!!!

i feel so ick. hai... thinking of the long LONG LONG way i still have to go... such a blofddy long way...

but u kno i told God that i;m gonna start to make the effort now.. like really make the effort-- to really attemtp to think of him and involve him during the day, to get up in the morning and pray-- i pasted a large sin on my wall that says 'what does JESUS want u to do today???' and i drew on my mirror ' die to self, reflect christ'. i used liquid eyeliner.. so it wont come off.

but as the saying goes 'the best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley'. plus, i'm always full of good intentions.. and it mostly comes to NUTS. ......... hai,

may God give me the conviction, discipline and strength.

may he plant his love deeply within me, a hunger and desire for him, that grows even more as i know him more......

amen.

waaaa sianz

2004-09-23T02:17:00.000-07:00

hai...

i am a slacker..
even tho i already complete 2 out of 4 project i still feel like a slacker...

a bored slacker

i'm bored!!!

blogging is stoopid.

MEET interview

2004-09-11T08:46:00.000-07:00

wa.
stress.
went for MEET (missions and evangelical training-- the acronym does not match don ask me why) today.
eee i felt so lousy afterwards. cos like, my interview was suppose to be at ten. and then after that they told me i had to come back again at two-- and i was like-- oh no i have church stuff-- but okay nevermind la u kno? and like why am i so special or something? and i was thinking that the second interivew means either very good or very bad (regding their impression of me la) i was kinda puzzled la mostly. but after the second one i felt utterly lousy cos basically these two other interviewrs talked to me like i got the impression that the original first two like feel that i cannot really make it so need these two second opnions. like they basically rehashed alot of what i said to the first two. granted, my responses did meander all over the place, but u kno, i really had trouble understanding what the heck they wanted to know... i think they purposely made the questions very general so as to not lead the interviewee-- but that just confused me la.so i was alot like 'um.. i;m sorry what are you asking?' and 'er.. did that answer your question? (lit: was that what you wanted to her --at least i think thats how they saw it cos they kept telling me, there are no right or wrong answers)and 'i'm sorry i forgot what you asked' (like halfway thru talking cos i was telling them long stories cos i REALLY DIDNT know what the heak they were asking sometimes). and the most annoying question: was here any specific event/experience that you would say really made an impression/was significant for you in your conversion experience? like i totally believe that they were looking for some sort of ***and the heavens opened*** sort of experience. ya and i said that 'er. no not really. it was a general process for me' and i dun think they really got it la (like the first pair of interviewers at least...)
so like i dunno la cos everything i said was the truth--except for when they ask 'do u do your QT regularly' i mean i really try la but only lately like i think i missed twice just last week-- but i answered 'yes' so yaa very guilty over that. but still everything else was truth--all the experiences and everything-- but dun know why, experience quite alot but my mind was curiously blank like didnt even share about half of the things God spoke to me about-- i mean JUST READ MY BLOG FOR GOODNESS SAKE!
argh
anyway, not being accusing or anything, but the overall impression i got was that they didn't really believe that what i was saying was real, like maybe just a whole trock of model answers that i heard pastor preach but never really experience, and that maybe part of the reason was cos of the way i looked ( a bimbo) which really didnt help with the impression given...

but u kno what? with my QT just now--- i dun really care anymore.
GOD CHOSE ME TO REVEAL HIMSELF TO ME. (John 10:22) so really, who am i doing this for anyway???

dun believe then just dun let me into the programme lo. god chose me. he'll take care of me and teach me to grow. he chose ME. so what do i care about what others think? this is just btw me and God. i'm accountable only to him and that's all that matters (wo zhi shi yao he ta jiao dai)... yeah thats what the verse really spoke to me about.

and maybe its not really gods will for me to get in anyway-- considering that church work got lots to do and maybe i'll find it hard to manage vcf + church + meet etc... like normally i;m very verbose-- sepecially when sharing with nonchristians or encouraging ppe dunno why can go on and on and on... but sometimes sharing feels forced (like today) and i know that like maybe Gods anointing not really there.... yeah like when i share with pple (other christians) just for the sake of sharing + making myself loook like a good christian. hmmmm at least that's what i suspect in in my subconcious....

hai dunno la. see what happens.

still-- i thank god for the opportunity of the interview, cos it really showed me that 'hey, YOU are just a 1 half year old christian technically so STOP being so STOP thinking that you n=know everything u have lots to improve on'-- kinda realised that in a distant sort of wasy, but i admit i did kinda take for granted that i was in the right track which perhaps led to some complacency. so goody. gentle wake up call before i slide too far away.. funny was prayin abot it. that i would always keep growing and not even stop still.

interesting issue

2004-08-29T08:27:00.000-07:00

my friend whom i met with, from the previous post? yea recalled part of a conversation that i had with him on that day. he told me that he had actually needed help at one point in his life and had gone to a temple and a church to pray. so he was like, 'God didn't answer my prayer even though i gave him a chance!' and i was like 'yeah ok so if he does answer your prayer, and you decide to become a buddhist?' but then i immediately veered away from the conversation topic cos my saying it made God sound like some petty human, like he only does miracles so people will believe in him (like a nefarious ulterior motive).

then just now i heard something a chinese pastor (from the vid my mom was watching) said and it reminded me of the above conversation. he said that GOD ONLY DOES MIRACLES SO HE WILL BE GLORIFIED AND SO THAT PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE IN HIM. ya so, a bit disturbed that (1) i had actually gotten it right and (2) god DOES have an ulterior motive.

so i trid to talk to my dad about it and he was like of almost no help at all (misinterpreted the question i think). then i went away and thought a bit: from my point of view, as a christian i realize that even if god doesn't answer my prayers, i believe that it's cos he has a better plan for me (cos his goodness and love towards me is confirm). and then i realised that, having a perfect will, a perfect plan for me, so does he for the rest of the pple on earth, non christian and christain both! so really, his actions regarding my friend's prayer results make sense, cos ultimately, if the prayer had been answered, he might have attributed it to like buddha or something. and that would have BEEN DETRIMENTAL TO HIM cos Gods perfect will for a all of us is to KNOW HIM!!!

and that's like, of course, the best thing ever!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah so.

cool.

okay try again.

2004-08-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

i met up with a friend this week thursday and managed to share christ with him. didnt really wanna go cos sian or smthing.. but still the night before committed it into gods hands la.

however, it was unusually successuful i think... managed to share for 2 hours (2 hours lei!). where previously i had met up with him (also comited it to God of course) but only managed to share a bit, this time was diff cos, i believe, as compared to last time, i was more ready (he ask alot of hard questions), blus, i kinda see it as a cont'd of my bdae present from God haha! (like with this, i;m prob like 10/indinity-- yay. long way to go. anxiously lookin for more haha)

anyway. not only did i get the chance to share, i think i learnt and beefitted several ways myself too.

(1) i recalled, thru this incident (sometimne that same day) wat pastor said, that 'pple who share christ dun necessarily love God and pple who love god will definitely share Christ'. yeah. dunno la. but mebbe this is an indication (my sharing i mean) that i'm startin to truly love God more.

(2) i left with the most incredible high! hhahah! y prayer that he would make me an addict of the JOY that comes in his service, to see him work in lives etc? yeap. totally well on the way. if i was a true druggie, the police would prob have me under supervision. but of course, i think i need to be more addicted. har. like the song 'testify to love' just kept runnin in my head it was weird.

(3) the most interesting and serious thing:

there was a point in the conversation where there was a lull.like i had just delivered this whole section of my speil to him and was tired or somethin. and he was like all quiet, like his face had the 'absorbing the info' look. and i was just looking at him (he was like staring somehwere else thinking) and suddenly, for a few seconds, i just loved him.

like i dont even know how to express what i felt. it was like a great compassion came over me, a tenderness, a genuine and heartfelt wish that he would come to Christ... ok i;m reading back, and the words used to describe are like utterly inadequate. utterly. saying that my description is too shallow for words, maybe that might give an inklin of how i felt. for just 3 seconds.

and i don't know when the thought came to me. maybe it was just then. or a bit later, or even later in the day after a but of reflection. but sufice it to say the emotion i felt made enough of an impression that i could reflect over it. even now i can call up a shadow of it. but it's an effort. and what so effortlessly came over me, i believe, is a bit like a reflection of what GOD feels towards him. the love that i felt? there was no way that i could have generated it by myself.

and this is somehting that i had always beieved, that this love, this compassion, it's God given. and all that we can seek to do, is to align our hearts with Gods, and pray that he will give us this love, this compassion. because, if we do any service for him without it, it is somehow lacking. and i'm not cure that God's very happy too ayway. but inperfect as we, as i am now, all i can do is to just, DO... and wait for these ephemeral, transcendental moments where my heart meets his........

my heart aligned with God's. as i type. this is my dearest wish.

i kinda get a deeper insight now, why God ascribed love as a central tenet to the Gospel. just reflceting and recalling now, for this clear moment, i see the power of this love, how it can truly radically change everything, how it can change someone elses heart if they could see/ feel it, how it utterly changes you when you are able to love someone that way, a love that is not selfish, agape.. i have no words. my descriptions are as describing the glory of a sunset to the blind. and i suspect that many times i will revert back to my blindness, forgetting, caught up with myself....

seek this love, reader, because...

FURY

2004-08-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

shat it. shat it a billion times.
i lost ALL MY TYPING FOR THE SECOND TIME!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I WAS AT A PARTICULARLY PASSIONATE PART TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God is Good

2004-08-19T09:58:00.000-07:00

i feel so blessed to be able to witness three friends and oikos come to accept the lord.

and i find that my prayer about getting addicted to the high that God gives-- seems its well on its way. mmmm.

and my new goal is to create so much trouble that devil finds it necessary to push troule my way!!

watch out, here we (me lav dorothy and haichong (maybe)) come!!!!!

DAMMIT

2004-08-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

I JUST BLOGGED SO MUCH AND THE #@$%&%*# COMP MESSED UP MY POST!!!!

crapski.

no mood to contd liao.

wa... so much to testify about!!!

2004-08-14T10:09:00.000-07:00

ok i really have so much to say i dunno where to sart... haha.. God really givin me my bdae present!

(1) amos was in a bit of a mess in school this past week. suffice it to say that there was this friend (lit: enemy) in his class and together they got into a whole lot of trouble. now he didnt really say so but i could tell that the whole thing upset him alot... so the crux of the whole situation was when both of them got suspension together... anyway. that day i did QT at about 4 plus. and around 4 plus i was prayin about his situation. i prayed that God would be glorified thru this situatuin and that amos might learn and grow closer thru it. in fact, i kinda prayed that him and his friend might 'he hao' and that thru amos he would get to know christ...
omoshiroi-ly enuff, amos came home and told me that there was this extra dude hanging around them for some time (detention i think). and at around 4 plus, the guy was sharing about christ to amos's friend (lit: ex enemy) and amos was adding in and stuff.... so yeah. like WOW.

(2) for the past week i'd been thinkin about the issue of my identity in christ. i realize that past 2 semesters, i would freak about going to lectures and tutorials and classes, worried that i'd be all alone. and i remember last sem for the soci module, i WAS all alone, ant it was utterly horrid cos i had to act like i dun care all the time when in fact i felt so weird all the while... surprisingly this sem, there was nuthing of the sort! i mean, i went for my jap lecture all alone and i really didnt feel bad or weird or anything! and i realized what had changed was that my focused had totally changed. i went to class with GOD in mind. i dont know how to explain it, but i guess its cos of the god-focusedness and that i was startiong to see myself the way he saw me. i was startin to define myself by different rules and criteria... and thats confidence. the real thing, not the fakery that i always put on for show...

its so much more restful this way... the not caring about anyones opinion cept for gods... and of course, God loves me.. so no worries!

(3) the gospel rally held today was surprising. actually i had invited kice lili and wenjun along. however, only kice said that she was probably going. in fact wenjun and lili had messaged this morning to say that they were NOT going... so i was like' shack. i go to the rally with another christian whats the point?? (kice had accepted christ la)' but in the end, lili and wenjun BOTH turned up out of the blue... AND BOTH ACCEPTED CHRIST!!!!

so bloody happy now...

i wanna get them all gifts as a 'welcome to gods family' present thing--- something frivolous like a cross pendant or earrings or something... see first la... kinda no money...

(4) talkin about no money... previouslty i had a list of things that i really wanted, some of which are : 1>the cute t shirts 2>skip beat manga series 3>charlaine harris's new book 4>etc

anyway... i'm pleased to report that on my list there are like only one or 2 items left... and this was done all done under the limits of me havin not enuff cash... but somehow God provides!!! like today he graphite competition... didnt win the $600 la... not even the 3rd prize of $300... (boohoo)

BUT God gave me just enuff to mebbe buy anoher t shirt (?? got 2 already so dunno if want another) and also $50 worth of vouchers for a MANGA STORE!!! just enuff, infact, to buy my skip beat series!!!!! the plan was to give me just what i needed... kami-sama wa kakoi desu!!!! (thats : 'God is cool' in jap)

yupz. late. gtg. ciaoz.

Worried

2004-08-09T21:08:00.000-07:00

eee school starting. and have so much stuff to do and WORRY about its horrid... not like church stuff itself very relaxing in the first place (lead youth group, make sundayschool lessons, no cg leader, do we even want/can have a cg???) now have school stuff (will i get my modules, will i get my tutorials, will i even have good tutorial slots in the first place???, will i win graphite, when will i buy my shirts, when will i buy my books, will i make friends in tutorial groups and lecture, CAN i even make friends, can i keep up with my work and readings, can i remember all the bleedin kanji, hiragana and katagana, what am i getting my self into??? Japanese??? i cant even do CHINESE properly!!!). and now, the best part combining school AND church (how to bring nonchristians i meet to christ, how to fit into the contact group, how to pray all the time, how to make studying part of a chriasian thingy...)

ARGH.

but.

God is Good la.

just got one of the above quesions answered today... about whether i'll manage to get my last module (jap pop culture-- omoshiroi. just bidded for it... will get results tomorrow i think... but considering that the highest bid i 50, and i have 768 points, plus the fact that there are like 10 bidders with 115 spaces available... yeah i THINK i can get it... ho hum.

wa prayed like mad about gettin this module...and in the end.. predictably--

God is good. Which really helps my faith for the next prayer adventure. whee!

...................................................................
COMIN SOON: gRAPHITE 2004 --pamela's testimony
...................................................................

pearl world

2004-08-02T03:18:00.000-07:00

i need to get out of my oytster shell, let things affect me, and pray more for the pple around me... yeap. no more ivory tower.

called to A holy life

2004-07-28T23:48:00.000-07:00

i'm called to a holy life. YOU called me. it is by your grace that i am called. it is for your purpose that i am called. you want the best for me, thus i am called. you have a plan for me, thus i am called-- so may your plan. the best for me, be fulfilled in my life.

drive on by fanning the holy spirit within us, into a flame. a flame that gives the push and the inspiration to testify. the flame that enables us to act with POWER, LOVE, and SELF-DISCIPLINE : these, i feel, are the essentials in ministry.

drive: constant drawing of strength from God/ holy spirit
Power: for a powerful and effective minisr=tyr (duh)
Love: anything done without love is EMPTY (Bible says so.. somewhere haha)
self discipline: we cannot serve/teach if our everyday actions make a mockery of our professed 'christianity' and ministry.

yeap thats all

wait.

about the money matters---
its hard to pray about being abl to get clothes/books/going to japan cos i'm not sure that God will give it to me. and i'm not sure mainly cos i dont really know if these things are good for me... but even if i cant pray with convition that god will gimme these things, i CAN pray with conviction that god KNOWS that i want these things, and he WILL give it to me...if theyre good for me...

so my prayers rest in the knowledge and faith that my God is Good.

and suddenly, i'm not so troubled anymore.

cool.

money

2004-07-28T05:55:00.000-07:00

i have money problems. it sucks. i wanna get the funny cat t shirts from far east plaza... i wanna get the new sookie stackhoue book... i wanna go to japan... i wanna new pair of shoes....

hai.

but funny enuff, i'm not that interested in praying for these things... when i think about it i get upset...

hai.

ok i dun make sence... cos i dun have resolution yet... hopefully i will soon..

taste and see

2004-07-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

taste and see that the lord is good... i have tasted, and i do see. and i wanna keep tasting and seeing. yeah, like make me addicted to your goodness and the high tha comes from an experience with you, so i'll crave more, like a druggie. and cos i have tasted and seen, i wanna share the sweets. so lord, i pray that you will bless me, bless amos, bless all the kids with the chance to taste and see... and if we prove resistant, bloody well smash our faces in the soddin rock honey till we choke it down... then we'll taste, and then we'll see. cos blessed is the man who seeks his refuge in you... so bless us.

cool news

2004-07-19T06:57:00.000-07:00

this person just messaged me today that my manga art is on exhibition in smu invitin me to go for this tea thingy tmrw... not going la, anti freak that i am, but hopefully thats a sign that i'll win!!!

haha no la but seriously, all is in gods hands..

i actually decided alreddy that my end of year japan trip (which is what i'm saving for-- the prize money goes into the fund...) comes second place to going for the varsity christian fellowship bible camp and meet camp... hopefully i can join meet...

so mebbe my willingness to actually GIVE IT UP will be the push factor God actually allowing me to win anything at all... cos nothing can come before him/ his work/ his will/ his cause etcetc.

harhar.. i m so sneaky

sneak sneak..

oh and i wanna buy an elyse cat t shirt!!!!! kawaii neeeeeeee!

repeat!!

2004-07-19T06:55:00.000-07:00

ok i wrote the below a few (i.e. many) days earlier but it was so out of place with the pink background + sanwitched btw gackt pics... haha so here it is again:

just went for this NUS FOC camp thingy. didn't expect much when i signed up. didn't really get super-emotionally charged during.didn't get visions or revalations or anything... but these i learnt: that God is there. that God is here. that i am not worthy. that i can never be worthy. that i love him and want to serve him. that i don't love him or want to serve him enough. that i want to love him and serve him more. much much more. that i cannot possible enable myself to love or serve him more. that my desire is to let him MAKE me want to love and serve him with my whole heart. whole mind. whole strength. whole life.

it is easy to type these words and mean them. at least it is easy now. whether it will be as easy two days later, two months later, two years later... i don't know. to all my brothers and sisters who reads this: i am accountable. may God be gracious and merciful to me.

first post sets the standard...

2004-07-12T06:54:00.000-07:00

just started this blog today... tried john3 16 for the blog address... however, taken up already (for obvious reasons-- that there are lotsa uninventive christians out there so decided on ephisians 2:8 instrad-- one of my fav verses. :)

anyway, my bro (amos) told me smthing encouraging today-- that he prayed for a classmate and his prayers were answered (something about his fren being disillusioned about her family-- that they dun care for her-- and then he prayed for her to realize that family was impt etc etc-- in the end the next day assembly talk was about family (tada) and follow up with the friend showed that she did have a change of heart etc etc) ok that was a breif incoherent outline-- essentially the testimony told me was breif and incoherent... amos mumbles.

considering the talk elysa and i gave lorraine and amos on sunday about being more sewrious with God-- and all the prayers i've done-- this is greato news!!! hopefully God will cont'd to be merciful and bless them both with continued growth and fervour for him!!!

pam out